TRIGGER WARNING: Violence against women, sexual assault, physical abuse, domestic violence, rape.
If a woman is to be assaulted, she must be responsible about it. There is a proper way and improper way to be assaulted and women must know how to be the best victim possible.
If you anticipate being assaulted in your lifetime – and you should, as 1 in 3 women around the world are victims of sexual/physical violence – then please follow the instructions below.
Before an assault is to take place, a woman must ensure her circumstances are amenable to being properly assaulted. A woman must remain in kempt neighbourhoods, avoid staying out late or walking down dark streets, and not drink. She should wear long hemlines and high collars, but not too long and not too high so as to be a prude and thus unfairly deny each and every man his right to ogle her.
Once the assault is in progress, fight back. Do not allow your body to have the natural reaction of freezing in fear. If you do not fight back everyone will know you clearly want the attack to happen. Any physical contact is ideal, but make an effort to scrape and claw – having your attacker’s DNA under your fingernails is especially useful.
Feel free to take a few hits yourself. Bumps, bruises, and deep cuts are an excellent way to prove your distaste for the attack. Having tangible, lasting evidence of your lack of consent is key. We expect that “no” to shine.
Make the encounter last for a few hours. Drag it out at long as possible because there is no way “a few minutes” can adversely impact your entire life.
If you are being sexually assaulted and you are still living with your abuser, you must get out of there immediately. You may be financially dependent on your abuser, your friends may not understand your decision, your family may denigrate you for leaving, you may have children together with your abuser, or you may not have another safe place to go, but your personal circumstances are irrelevant: no sane person would stay.
Do not keep your assault a secret; tell people about it. But don’t tell too many people about it. You want to confide in a handful people after it happened but you don’t want to tell so many people as to be an attention-seeker in it for the fame and fortune bestowed upon accusers. Be expeditious in telling people; time spent not telling people is time spent scheming the takedown of a noble man.
After your assault, go to the doctor and get medical treatment as soon as possible. Do not wait. The shock and/or shame almost every victim reports feeling are not legitimate reasons for delaying the report.
Remember every detail. On your way to the grocery store or a get together with friends, remember how you got there, what you wore, who was there and what you did. You never know when you may get assaulted, so it is best to remember everything, everywhere, always. While being assaulted, take note of very specific details about your attacker and the surroundings. As they strip you of your dignity or as your life flashes before your eyes, make sure to note the make and colour of their car and what you ate for dinner that night.
Be very particular about who abuses you. Ideally, someone who is a complete outcast of society. It is extremely important not to be assaulted by a white man in power. A public figure with a long, illustrious resume would never harm a woman.
If your assault was not rape, please do not come forward with concerns about harassment, verbal abuse, manipulation, or stalking. Just be thankful that “at least you weren’t raped.”
If you follow all these rules, you will likely be deemed a proper assault victim. Feel free to report your assault to the authorities and our legal system will gently carry you to safety, justice and support.
(Note: if you are disabled, a person of colour, an LGBTQ community member, mentally ill, indigent, and/or fat, this disclaimer is null and void.)
Remember, this is your assault. Make sure you handle it properly.
***NB: This piece is sarcastic. I do not condone nor support this thinking. There is no such thing as a “proper” assault victim.