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The Secret Life of Feminist Fugitives.


The internet is an interesting place. Not all, but most of my haters live within the depths of the internet. Often, these folks make harsh accusations about me and my fellow feminists.

Over the years, people online – on Twitter threads, blog comments, and Reddit pages – have said some pretty bold things to me. I have been told I am “doing a better job destroying feminism than any so called patriarchy could do” when defending Serena Williams. I have been described as “promoting Sharia Law” for defending a woman’s right to wear a burqa. People have told me that I just “whine” about problems, and that I am “leading a witch hunt” against innocent men.  

I could go on and on about all the not-so-nice things people have said to me behind the comforting veil of the internet’s anonymity, but there’s no need to bore you.

All of this is simply to say, some corners of the internet view me – along with other feminists – as some sort of evil feminist fugitives. A gang of misandrists running around town causing mayhem. A gaggle of bitches in balaclavas crying wolf about rape, stealing jobs from more deserving men, and telling women to burn their bras.

And while “a gaggle of bitches in balaclavas” sounds like the best girl gang ever, unfortunately I’ve yet to encounter another feminist (myself included) who actually does any of these things.

So what do we, a pride of patriarchy smashers, typically do in a day?

I think I speak for each and every feminist in the world (kidding, only myself) when I say that this is what a typical day looks like:

7:00am: Alarm goes off.

7:01am: Remember that Trump is President. Curse the world.

7:25am: Work out at the gym where the middle aged man on the treadmill beside you self-consciously peers over at your machine every few minutes to make sure he’s running faster than you.

7:50am: A young man at gym keeps looking at you. You surmise that he believes this is how one “sparks a connection.” He says something to you but you can’t hear; you wear Beats by Dre for a reason.

8:40am: Enjoy a luxurious communal shower at the YMCA and accept that you’ll never learn how to style your hair.

8:50am: Walk to work. Listen to Democracy Now podcast. Curse the world again.

8:53am: Pass by Starbucks. Think about treating yourself a latte but remember you chose to work in social justice/human rights so you have no money.

9:00am: Arrive at work.

9:03am: Check to see if Beyoncé or bell hooks have replied to any of the fan mail you sent. 

9:15am: Start doing the work you’re actually paid to do.

10:00am: Drink a smoothie for breakfast. Add in a ‘male tears’ elixir to give you that extra kick for the day.

10:05am: Work, work, work, work, work (aka sing along to Rihanna while you write a report.)

1:45pm: Go grab a coffee down the street. Call your mom as you walk. She doesn’t answer, so you leave a seven minute voicemail ranting about Jian Ghomeshi’s article in the New York Review of Books.

3:00pm: Group chat is lit. Astrology memes are flying. 

5:30pm: Leave work.

5:31pm: Throw on your resting bitch face so no man will approach you on your walk home. 

5:40pm: Arrive at home.

5:41pm: Rip off the bosom buster. #FreeTheNipple

5:45pm: Eat a salad the size of your head in hopes of getting full and still being healthy.

6:15pm: Abandon the healthy eating track. Chow down on a box of Lucky Charms while scrolling through a feed of Instagram fitness models. Tell yourself you have the brains so they can have the beauty, but then remember the patriarchy wants to pit all women against each other so you double tap like a fiend to spread that girl on girl love.

6:30pm: Go for a walk with a friend. Recite Mean Girls quotes, talk about the new Angela Davis book, and discuss why everyone closes their eyes when they sneeze

8:00pm: Try making those cute zucchini fritters on Pinterest. Fail miserably and throw a can of soup in your bag for tomorrow’s lunch.

9:00pm: Fight with old white men on Twitter.

10:00pm: Tell yourself you should go to bed.

10:01pm: Continue to fight with old white men on Twitter.

11:15pm: Retreat for the night.

11:20pm: Brush teeth, wash face, and crawl into bed.

11:25pm: Replay said fight with old white men on Twitter in your head.

11:40pm: Try to sleep. Count Serena Williams’ trophies.

11:50pm: Dream of Oprah 2020.

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