Hollywood. The infamous hills that brought us Blood Diamond, Good Will Hunting, and Schindler’s List, but also brought us Into The Blue, The Campaign, and Fools Gold. The magical land where anything is possible. And in Hollywood, anything apparently includes some pretty delusional ideas about what it means to be a woman, and what womanhood looks like. Just FYI, no one has ever asked me out in a coffee shop, I look like a drunken mule when I fall flat on my face, and shopping for shoes is the bane of my existence.
Every morning you’ll have oodles of time and motivation to get ready, inevitably resembling a Vogue cover model. You will sing in the shower, shave your legs, and apply your make up with the skill of a tenured professional. You will dance around your house as you effortlessly throw on an amazing outfit and saunter out the door.
Work will be amazing and you will be best friends with all of your coworkers. You will laugh over coffee in the kitchen, share secrets by the water cooler, and go for happy hour all the time. You will not work with misogynists and will never confront a situation in which your gender will hinder your success. Besides, your job is so fun and amazing, you don’t even care!
You will meet your significant other in the most serendipitous situation. He will chase after your lost papers as they fly away down the street. He will make conversation while waiting in line at a coffee shop, saying something witty and endearing. You will meet each other through work and bicker until you fall in love. Relationships are so easy!
Men are so friendly when you walk down the street! Teenage boys smile at you, the sixty-year old mailman will wave at you, and then gorgeous man walking down the street beside you will rush to pick up your umbrella when you drop it. Street harassment, what’s that?
The only thing you talk about with your friends is men. You are a heterosexual cisgender woman (obviously) and you are undeniably obsessed with the opposite sex. Should you call the cute guy in your apartment building? Was your boss hitting on your coworker? Did your friend and her boyfriend get back together? Nothing else matters!
If you and your friends do talk about something else, it’s about your body. “Oh my gosh, I can’t zip up my jeans”, “We should definitely go to yoga”, “I hate my thighs”, “I’m on a diet”, “I need to lose five pounds”. (Note: obviously many women can relate to this, but not so much when you look like Julia Roberts rocking a size 6 in Eat, Pray, Love)
You will have one group of gal pals. You will all be best friends, equally close, and have no other good friends. You will all be complete opposites but be bonded for life. You and your friends will forever have the most exciting and elegant nights. You will toast to friends with champagne, go straight to the front of the in line at the trendiest club, and a myriad of gorgeous men will vie for your affection. Never will you and your friends stay home to watch a movie because you’re both exhausted, or cook beans together because you’re broke. That is just so pedestrian.
If you are a beautiful woman, you are basically perfect. Your only cross to bear is that you have one singular flaw. What is it? You’re clumsy, but in a totally cute and endearing way. In fact, it normally works out in your favour, as you literally fall into the arms of gorgeous men! Oh, you silly goose, you!
Shopping. Every woman loves shopping. And those women than don’t? It’s not that they don’t like the act of shopping itself, rather, these women are ugly and/or fat and therefore dislike how they themselves look when they try on clothing. Duh - we all want to look good for ‘our man’ and hate ourselves if we don’t fit into a size four.